Five. Years.

June 19th, 2010...



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What I've learned after FIVE years...A follow-up to this post from two years ago and this post from last year.

A very wise 24-year old once said:

"Fall in love. Plan a Pinterest wedding. TAKE VOWS. And shut up. "

That might seem a little harsh...And while there's really nothing Biblical and profound woven into those sentences...in the year 2015 I feel like it's something that needs to be said. Perhaps I will craft my own line of wedding cards and have this stamped on the inside instead of the typical 'Congratulations!' I'm sure no one would find that offensive at all.

Based on my post from two years ago, it seems our two biggest problems were Josh's strong desire to only own one pair of work jeans and the anger that ensued when they weren't clean when he needed them...and also the fact that I'm not a great driver and backed into his trailer in the driveway with our Focus this one time aaaand there were some scratches.

I'd like to happily report, Josh is the proud owner of three to four pairs of work jeans (and two pairs of 'nice' jeans). And contrary to what I recommended in my blog post about NOT getting a newer, nicer car...we sold that slightly scratched Focus, Josh bought me an Impala, and then he accidentally backed into a trailer in our driveway. I sort of appreciated God's sense of humor in this situation, but I don't think Josh did. Until I was rear-ended a few months ago and a nice lady with State Farm paid for a fresh bumper. So there's that.

Sorry, I'm getting a little off track. It just seemed like the perfect time to tell how that bumper story came full-circle.

Now that we're slightly older (and we find ourselves consistently invited to the same number of weddings each summer) it's finally starting to seem like the weddings we attend are for couples who are a little more mature and 'together' than the weddings and marriages I was referring to in my post two years ago (THANK GOODNESS). And usually at these Pinterest-perfect weddings there's a spot to write advice in a Shutterfly book or on a pretty scrapbook page at either the shower or the wedding and I refrain because...some people still refer to us as a newlyweds (annoying), so what advice could I possibly offer?

Ohhhh I have advice. And in it's most-ramble-y form...here it is:

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Your husband does not answer to you. He answers to God. It's not his job to put his laundry away or work on projects for you or even clean up his own mess (read: grass). That's actually point-blank written in the Bible as my job. It's Josh's job to love me and to provide...both of which he does wonderfully...and pretty much anything that falls outside of that category is in my job description unless Josh decides otherwise.

There are certainly things I ask for help with (taking out the garbage, lifting heavy things, bringing food up from the deep freeze), but I've learned there are things I don't need to ask for help with because it's just 100% my responsibility (laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning). It seems like we've finally fallen into a maturity in our marriage where this arrangement seems to work well for us 95% of the time.

I've also learned that when I'm more willing to tackle projects by myself, Josh becomes more willing to help without me even needing to ask. Last week I asked if I could trim the bushes in front of our window myself and if he could tell me where the bush trimmers were...He replied with, "That's a power tool. With an engine. That requires gas...................No. I'll have the guys do it." This week I asked if I could have a little Round-Up to take care of some of the weeds in our driveway and rock beds, because pulling weeds seven months pregnant just seems a little silly when your husband owns a lawn care company that advertises chemical applications, does it not? "He replied with, "Absolutely not. I've been putting that off but I'll take care of it." I wasn't putting on an act just to sucker him into doing stuff for me, I was totally willing to do those things!

Now...occasionally this arrangement we have gets frustrating (ie: our four-month flooring project that Josh was responsible for completing but was essentially 'my' project that was somewhat forced on him), but that's a blog post for another time. Josh would tell you that he found nothing wrong with our kitchen carpet and the tile floor we now have 'wasn't worth it'...so even though we don't agree and I might not have handled the whole situation perfectly, we survived and we have tile and to quote Forest Gump, "That's all I'm going to say about that."

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Communicating is annoying but it's also necessary. It's taken five years but I think we've *started* to hit our communication stride. I just recently learned that when Josh says, "There's a crack in your windshield that we should probably get taken care of sometime." I used to take that to mean, "Sometime in the next six months when it seems convenient, we can do that together." What he actually means is, "You need to get that handled this week and the next time I ask I'm expecting it to be done."

I mean I just had no idea! But now that I do, I jump on this kind of stuff he mentions much faster than I did in the past. There are still annoying things I put off (who doesn't) but for the love...at least I 'get' him better. And understanding the way he communicates (whether he's great at it or not) has led to less frustration, arguments, and blame between who's responsibility it was to get something done (see above).

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Sometimes liking the same stuff is hard. It's always been a challenge for Josh and I to find common interests/hobbies because we are SO different. You all know this is true...I like glitter and pink doors and princess movies and Josh likes guns and farming and basically all things 'Boy.' I think when you first get married, you're still learning so much about each other so sometimes those hobbies from pre-married life are a source of frustration when you think about how you've just pledged your love to someone FOR LIFE who likes killing ground squirrels with a pellet gun in your back yard or working on a pointless painting projects until midnight. But now, more than ever, those are the funny quirks we sort of love about each other.

I think we've finally learned THAT'S THE FUN PART of marriage. Learning new stuff about each other and discovering new things only you love doing together. Josh and I love road tripping and Christmas and Twin Lakes. We like going to Applebee's after every snowstorm. We drive all over Iowa to try small-town restaurants no one has ever heard of. We learned long ago that going to the fair for 'dates' with other couple friends is a terrible idea because Josh likes to spend hours looking at mowers and tractors and I'm the only one who will put up with that as long as I have an endless supply of fair food to try. We're obsessed with movie trilogies (National Treasure, Indiana Jones, Red, Transformers just to name few). And not only have we created a long list of things we like doing together...we genuinely support each other in all those other 'silly' endeavors like me going to a Katy Perry concert or Josh whipping out his potato gun at a family gathering. We still have our very different individual interests and hobbies, but at least we can be supportive and laugh at each other's ridiculousness.

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So if you're upset about how your marriage looks or that it doesn't seem magical anymore or that your spouse 'changed' and you fell out of love or you're annoyed that your husband took four months to finish your tile floor...let me not-so-gently remind us all again:

"Fall in love. Plan a Pinterest wedding. TAKE VOWS. And shut up. "

MmB

June 2015...