Being a mom and making friends...

...is probably the weirdest, most important life-altering season I honestly never expected. In some ways I never thought it would be this hard. In many other ways, I'm shocked by how easy it is. So in an attempt to help my fellow-first-time-mom's out there, I compiled a few things I've learned about making bff's during the past two years I've held the title, 'mom.'

This post came about after listening to the following podcasts, all centered around the same topic of friendship and motherhood and girlfriends:

For the Love
Journey Women
Risen Motherhood

Goodness, friendship looks so much different these days than it did two years, five years, and 10 years ago. The friendships that have stood the test of changing life-seasons are some of my most treasured...but I'm finding I need more than just my two lifelong-best-friends to get me through life. I need girls in the teething trenches with me; girls a few clicks ahead of me in their motherhood journey; and girls who come alongside of me with truth when we're both mad at our husbands. And I need all those wonderful girls to have low expectations when it comes to the daily-grind; zero-judgement when I feed my kiddo Easy Mac; and in all honestly, I'd prefer that we be on the same-side of the vaccinating argument.

So here's what I've come up with:

Saying no to stuff is OK.
I've said it before but I'll come right out and say it again. I'm kind of an "fringe-member" of a fantastic group of mom's in our church, called 'Titus 2 Women.' We have shirts so we're obviously really legit. In many ways these girls are excellent examples of what Godly wives and moms should be...but if I'm not careful I can get a little caught up in all the STUFF they're doing. Even if that stuff doesn't line up with the priorities I have for my marriage, household, and family. Days at the lake, mornings at the park, weekly hang-outs in the church gym....we have Bible studies, book clubs, adoption garage sales. All great stuff. An endless flow of activities to cultivate community the way God designed. But that much CONNECTING stresses me out and usually throws off the priorities I like to keep in check at home. It took a loooooong time for me to realize that I didn't HAVE to do all the things they were doing. I didn't NEED these women to be my best friends. In this giant tribe, I've successfully found a few precious mini-tribes (is that even a thing?) to do the daily, dirty-work of life with and that has been the best thing for me in this season, even though it's a bit against the 'norm.'

Keep a few cooks around.
I think it's good to have a couple friends who do things completely differently than you do, but your relationship is close enough that you can still talk about EVERYTHING openly and respectfully. I don't waste time asking about opinions on sibling spacing, how/when/why they spank, why they chose to have six kids, how they handle their budget, or how their marriage changed after 1, 2, 3 kids, etc. It's fascinating and informative and helps me grow as a wife and a mom. One of my friends is doing a home birth, another swears by oils, another is open to having a family as large as God will give her...those are all things that fall into the 'coooooky category' for me but I love it and I love those friends.

New friends are a breath of fresh air.
I came out of college with this notion that I had plenty of friends and I simply didn't need any more besties. Intentional friendship can be a lot of work with everyone working or still in college and moving all over the Midwest for new jobs. It was starting to seem like certain friendships were more work than they were worth. I certainly didn't need to add MORE friendships to that equation, right?! For a time it was easier to be friends with our families because we saw them for holiday's and plenty of other 'family things' so we fell into a season of just hanging out with our parents and siblings all the time. Fast forward another five years...our old friends are still scattered all over the country, even MORE of our friends have gotten married and moved away, and our siblings are all in different life stages/locations, which makes it hard to connect to all those special people in the same way we used to. Enter: new friends! Lately they seem to have come out of nowhere at just the perfect time and I'm so thankful.

Logistics are important.
During this time when babies and toddlers rule our lives due to their basic human needs...on some level, friendship in this season just needs to be EASY. Living in the same town helps. Having the same interests helps. Participating in the same Bible study helps. Having similar approaches to parenting helps. Understanding a Babywise schedule REALLY helps. We meet for a morning activity, and then scatter for nap time. There's absolutely no judgement when hanging out as families in the evening and someone says, 'We need to get home for bedtime.' It's met with, 'Good!" "Go!" and "I'm so glad you could come for a while!" Because nap time and bedtime are SACRED TIMES. Hanging out with mom's who just have one kiddo is honestly usually the easiest, but a couple times a month I try to hit up my favorite mom's with more than one so I can be in the middle of the crazy and Mav can get roughed around a little bit. I try to be as flexible as my priorities allow with these meet-ups and that has come with a little bit of a learning curve as well.

Find a good mix of ages.
I spend quite a bit of time with my mom and Josh's mom. I think that's been a huge piece of my successful adjustment into adulthood...not just motherhood. I don't rely on them daily or for things that I should be able to handle as a grown, married, mom of one. But sometimes when your basement floods you need to call your mom and cry. I know not everyone has the luxury of having two mom-best-friends, so I consider myself pretty lucky in this area. I also love that our connection group and many of the Bible studies I've participated in the past two years have a great mix of ages...from college students all the way up to women in their 50's, 60's, and 70's. I tend to learn a lot more from just sitting quietly under women who are older than me vs. getting off-track talking about molars and frustrating sleep schedules with mom's in my season. I also keep a few fun, single, childless girls around...we go to football games and Wine Bars and Bachelorette parties. They make me feel young and offer surprising wisdom and perspective.

True, authentic friendship is weirdly hard to find when life seasons change. It was annoying for a while but I didn't realize the unexpected blessings that would come from the awkward-new-mom-friendship struggles I've experienced over the past two years. I'm so thankful for the group of girlfriends (old and new!) I'm surrounding myself with these days...they are real, wise, encouraging TREASURES I just love doing life with.

MmB

Our Quotable Life

His hands. I can't.

Every once in awhile, conversations happen in this house that make me think...hmm...I think the world would think this is funny. Maybe. Also maybe not.

I figured it was worth a shot to give you guys some laughs...

Text conversation:
"Also. Read your sister's blog about overalls and peeing in them because you can't get out of them. I relate. Totally happened to me."
"Hilarious." - Mollie
"Right?! Like...has this oppression been happening and no one has talked about it until now?!" - Jamie

Watching Last Man Standing:
"I'm Mandy and you're Mike. But that's weird because he's the dad." - Mollie
"Who's your-" - Josh
"STOP." - Mollie

Two of my girlfriends chatting in the kitchen, everyone else outside:
"The first year of marriage was so hard. I felt like I was just really needy and cried all the time."
"I can't see Mollie being like that."
Josh chimes in... "Yeaaaa that was probably more me."

"I'm so glad we didn't get married with tons of debt." - Mollie
"Yea you saw me coming. Just couldn't wait to get a piece of this." - Josh
"Umm. Right. Because the fact that you were debt-free was CLEARLY the sexiest thing about you." - Mollie

Same conversation, a few minutes later...
"If you count what we have in the bank, what we have in receivables then take that against the debt we owe on our house...we're still like $XX,XXX in the hole." - Josh
"OH MY WORD will you STOP acting like a 15-year mortgage is debt we need to pay off overnight?! This reminds me of the time we tried to play The Farming Game with Grandpa Boersma and he wanted to pay back the money he started the game with to pay off his bank note. And the game was over before it even started." - Mollie

"Is 8:30 tonight too late? Look at us old people." - A friend meeting Josh for drinks post bedtime
"Haaaaha remember when we would be like, 'Is MIDNIGHT too late to come out?" - Mollie

Text conversation with Jamie:
"I just went out to eat with a friend from work...going past your house and I need to have a tummyache really bad! Can I use your bathroom?!" - Jamie
"Sorry I was doing bedtime. You coming?" - Mollie
"It's fine! I tooted and feel better and I'm just gunna go home now." - Jamie
"lol waow." - Mollie
"And because I didn't hear from you right away, I was worried you and Josh were ___________ so I didn't wanna walk in your house and poop while you were doing that. It just didn't seem right." - Jamie

"I remember when the Iron Giant came out in theaters." - Josh
"Ya that's because you were a rich kid!" - Mollie (this is a long-running joke where I tell Josh he was a rich kid growing up because he ate name-brand Cheerios and always had chips in the pantry and a trampoline in the back yard...he adamantly denies this to be true)
"No. I remember when it came out because I was delivering papers and I saw when it was playing." - Josh
TOUCHE.

Conversation with G'ma and G'pa at the farm:
"How long did you live in Hawaii while you were in the Army?" - Mollie
"Well, I was there for four months. Junice was there for three, I believe." - G'pa
"That's nice G'ma got to go spend a few months there!" - Mollie
"Well the wives had orders not to come over. We had strict orders. But then I got a letter saying she was coming so I went to talk to my commander and he said 'orders are, no wives.' And I said, it's got nothing to do with orders, she wrote me and she's already on her way!" - G'pa

And that's how Junice DeGroot ignored official United States Army orders so she could have a tropical Hawaiian newlywed adventure with her soldier husband. Because OF COURSE she did that.

"Do you know this song?" - Mollie
"I've heard it before." - Josh
"But do you know the words and who sings it?" - Mollie
*guessing* "The Beetles?" - Josh
"You didn't listen to this kind of music growing up? Ever?" - Mollie
"Well I heard the songs I guess, but it's not like they were playing in our house. We weren't heathens, Mollie." - Josh

Text conversation with a friend concerning the mom-issues of our day...vaccines, oils, and generally people who parent vastly than we do:
"I have TRIED a few oils. They seriously HAVE to be a placebo effect." 
"I'm fine with them. But they are not a replacement for antibiotics. Or ibuprofen. Or Tylenol. Just no." - Mollie
"Precisely. Like, you want to go fragrance free and you like the smell of oils in your home? Perfect. Sounds great. You think they heal your child? Shut up." 

So there's what's making us laugh this week! ;)

MmB

The question I hate the most...

The beauty of having nothing on our calendar this summer? It means we can wake up and decide to drive to the farm to spend a day with G'ma and G'pa at their farm and at the county fair. So worth it.

It's not even a question to get offended or upset about. It's simple, straightforward, non-threatening. But it seems to be one I get a lot lately from kind friends and family who are just tryin' to catch up on life with me...

"So, Mollie, what's new with you? What are you up to this summer?"

Blank stare. Silence. A small wave of panic.


Can I just be honest here? I'm up to nothing. Nothing is new. Nothing is that exciting.

AND I LOVE IT.


This summer has been slow and relaxing and spent sitting on our deck watching Maverick play while I read and drink coffee. Summer is speeding by this year (like it always seems to) and for the first time in my whole life I feel like I'm enjoying every single day of it to the fullest. Even when it's one million degrees. We run one errand a day, go on walks, hit the Farmer's Market every weekend followed by church on Sunday and in between it's pool, mom-dates, house chores, deck-time, work for Josh, repeat (that was not in priority-order, btw).

We are doing summer the right way this year. I was so tired of getting too excited for fall too early; wishing the summer temperatures away; anxiously awaiting the November days when Josh wouldn't be so stressed with work....and I realized I consistently wished the past seven summers away without even meaning to.

Heck, usually by this time I'm planning to decorate for fall; composed our Christmas Letter; and have watched at least three Christmas movies. I will not live through January and February next year regretting that I didn't spend more of our time outside in the wonderful heat...when I have a toddler going stir-crazy inside all winter.

Popsicles on the deck, Lunchables at the pool, BLT's, sweet corn, and steak on rotation for supper...I haven't turned my oven on in over a month, I'm pretty sure. Because who has time for planning and cooking supper when you can be outside after naptime?! Skinned knees from learning to jump in the pool. Backyard play dates with friends. A trip to Manson to watch a parade. THIS is what summer is supposed to be like and it's the kind of summer I want to give to my kiddos for as long as humanly possible. Before the inevitable days when I'm running kids to practices and games and VBS and sleepovers. NOW is the time for lazy summer days to make the kind of precious family memories I remember so fondly from my own childhood.

Josh has done an AMAZING job at being home by suppertime most evenings and participating in family walks (even though he spent the whole day walking already!). It's was so. good. for me to stare down the summer season that was ahead of us in early March, accept that there will be some crazy (because we're a family that owns a lawn care company, duh)...and then commit myself to intentionally slowing down in every other area of life. I've cleared the calendar down to one 'big thing' PER MONTH  and I'm just enjoying the one-toddler-summer I have in front of me. All commitments are flexible. Nothing in my weeks are set in stone which leaves plenty of time for cool, lazy, easy mornings at home on the deck with Mav.

I'm not stressed about projects, big plans, or trying to keep up with what all the other fun momma's are running around doing. All this slowing down has helped me prioritize what Josh needs from me better than ever before, and the stress of weekly invoicing and deposits has all but melted away. I've re-discovered my love for reading, spent daily time in the Bible, attempted to get working out back on my weekly To Do List, and it's been LIFE GIVING.

To answer the original question...there's still nothing new with me. Nothing exciting (unless the fact that there are currently no dishes in the sink AND no laundry to be folded exciting). I'm just a wife and mom trying to manage the crazy. And I'm doing that by setting a real nice, slow summer pace for our little fam. In this season that means no trips, no plans, no big projects, nothing extra that doesn't immediately fit in my recipe for a relaxed summer...nothing is new with me and that is exactly the way I like it.

So as you enjoy what's left of your summer...may your Moscow Mules be cold, your deck be sunny, and your house be sufficiently air conditioned. AND FOR THE LOVE, IGNORE the Christmas aisles at Hobby Lobby and the back-to-school section at Target. It's JULY TWENTY-FIFTH. That's insanity.

MmB

Stuff I'm NOT OK With

I'm feeling sassy this week. And a little out-of-sorts. We partied all week last week, Josh missed quite a bit of work while we had friends here from out-of-town...which means for the most part my house is clean, I'm feeling well-rested and ready to rant about some things.

This is what's on my mind.

Hanging macrame plants.

Is this even real life. HOW is it POSSIBLE this is on-trend again?! I remember staring at these every time we went to visit grandmas or old ladies from church...they were commonplace in every living room corner for anyone over the age of 65. And as a seven-year-old...I would sit and stare at that ugly hanging fake plant, suspended from the ceiling with macrame rope, while sitting on a sticky, plastic-covered, orange, floral couch...and fixate on how much I hated them.

I feel the same way today. Except now I also feel a little sick that Joanna used them in one of her flips from Season 4...and just like that they're all over my Instagram feed and IN STORES. I can't.

Adult short/long denim overalls.

Umm. I *guess* some of the gals I've seen can pull them off, but I still just don't understand. Logistically, overalls don't make sense to me, and they never have. The last time I wore overalls was in 3rd grade and because I didn't want to miss one minute of computer class (Math Munchers and Dyno Park Tycoon-time only came around once a week) I held off going to the bathroom until the very last. minute. And then (once it was too late) I had to run down the hall to pee but OOPS I'M WEARING OVERALLS. Needless to say, I couldn't fling the straps off fast enough and a minor accident occurred. Good thing it was the last class of the day. I told my friends the sink exploded. It's fine. But overall (see what I did there?), just no.

I called Jamie tell her I would be posting this story on the world wide web...her response? "DUDE THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME IN 2ND GRADE I THINK! Overalls are DUMB."

Online fitness challenge groups.

People who devote themselves to coaching others and being healthy...SO GOOD! But if ONE MORE BLESSED PERSON messages me and asks if I'd like to be part of their 30-day-fitness-beachbody-shakeology-blah-blah challenge I will lose my mind. I'm always just utterly confused at this person messaging me...usually a distant Facebook friend (read: acquaintance) who I haven't seen in person or talked to in more than five years. I honestly don't even know how to reply most of the time? So I sit there staring at my phone screen, end up switching to something else, and then forgetting to reply completely. Which is probably fine because the answer was no anyway. And like, why am I on 'the list' of people to contact? I need to know how I made it on that list of potential recruits...on second thought, maybe I don't...

Open kitchen shelving.

Don't get me wrong. I have seen this done REALLY WELL. But the problem I have is this: if it's open and out there for everyone to see...it kind of needs to be styled and pretty. And coordinated. I don't know about you, but toddler plastic doesn't really 'go' with the theme of my kitchen. So maybe a small section of open-shelving is a great idea, but that will cut down on the total storage options in the rest of the kitchen. And in my old age, I've just become downright practical. I see open-shelving and I see wasted space.

Farm animals as house pets.

I follow a pretty famous blogger who recently brought a little lamb home to their farm. So sweet. So perfect. Except this little baby lamb is allowed IN THE HOUSE. On the couch! In the hallway! Under the kitchen table! It makes for great Instagrams, but you guys...WHERE DOES THAT LITTLE LAMB GO TO THE BATHROOM?! And get this...everything in this gal's entire house is WHITE. From top to bottom, I swear. White couches, white floors, white rugs. And she lets an ANIMAL freely roam from outside in. What. I see her snap this little lamb 20 times a day and it sort of feels like all I'm thinking about this week. She allows a sheep on her Magnolia sectional couch...I'm *this close* to telling her she doesn't deserve a Magnolia couch if she's going to allow farm animals all over it. Magnolia sectionals DESERVE RESPECT.

Amber necklaces.

To those of you who swear by these...awesome. Go you. I just cannot get my head around putting something that resembles jewelry on my little BOY. Given that he's pretty "particular" about a "few" things (refuses flip-flops, shirt sleeves rolled up, Puddle Jumper, and most other unfamiliar things) I'm pretty confident in my assessment that he would never go for wearing a necklace, but also...I hate how they look! I'm probably being stupid but I can't get past it. Josh also tends to think it's a big load of crap so there's that. lol.

Extravagant kid birthday parties.

I'm in the early 'planning' stages for Mav's second birthday party. Meaning, I'm blocking out the date/time, casually telling the fam, and taking inventory of what he could use/need to 'assign' the grandparents a few gift ideas. I'll create, print, and send 10 invites. I'll put up some pics from Mav's second year of life and I plan to have some fun with the Top Gun theme we're doing (Maverick...get it?) It will last two hours. We will eat some air plane cookies and Chex Mix. We will open a few modest, reasonable, educational, SMALL gifts and that's it. I sit completely dazed and confused about why anything above and beyond this is necessary for a child who won't even remember this over-the-top event. Can we all just agree to relax about birthday parties??

Denim underwear (aka: what the kids are calling shorts these days).

Umm. How do I put this delicately? The jean shorts that the pretty young things are wearing these days are...OB. SCENE. Went to Applebee's last night and caught a glimpse of some nice side-boob and also two sets of cheeks. The butt kind. Went to the Farmer's Market and saw a tall skinny gal POURED into denim shorts similar to the way volleyball girls wear spandex. I do not care how skinny or curvy or short or tall you are...denim underwear are just not. cute. Please realize this one now, world so we can all stop suffering.

Summer construction in Ames before 8am.

I am thankful we live in a clean, wonderful town with perfect roads and amazing parks. BUT CAN WE STOP WITH RESIDENTIAL CONSTRUCTION BEFORE 8AM FOR THE LOVE. kthanks.

Teething toddlers.

Our highs are REALLY HIGH this week and our lows are REALLY LOW. Mav is the happiest guy in the world one minute, melting down crying for an hour at a play date the next. Eating blueberries like a champ one day, throwing them all on the floor in a tantrum the next. Perhaps you saw via Instagram that I read 'The Magic of Motherhood' in less than 48 hours this week...THERE WAS A REASON FOR THAT. We are deep in the teething trenches here, yet again and I was in desperate need of some magic. Thank goodness for Sesame Street, ibuprofen, and the fact that this teething-time-around it's summer and we can be OUTSIDE. #praisehands

MmB

Dear G'pa Harm...

If you happened to scroll down your star-spangled Instagram feed at all today, maybe you caught a few pics of the party we threw for G'pa Harm's 90th Birthday up at the farm. I think I'll save the photo dump for tomorrow (the adorable memories and photo-ops today were ENDLESS), but for now I wanted go post the letter I wrote to G'pa Harm as his 'birthday gift.'

And I made sure it was in large font because...90.

Dear Grandpa Harm,

Since sometimes it’s hard for you to hear us when there are so many people around visiting, I thought I’d write you a birthday letter for your birthday gift instead…this way I know you won’t miss out on everything I wanted to tell you.

I haven’t had a grandpa of my own since I was 12. My grandpa Lewis (my mom’s dad) died of a heart attack while he was hauling a tractor somewhere for a delivery…I think he was 65. He worked as a mechanic at the Case dealership in Jewell for most of his life. My other grandpa, James, died in a car accident when my dad was only six years old. He was a farmer near Thompson. I never knew him and there’s a big part of me that felt like all of this was kind of unfair. I never got the chance to know my grandpa’s once I became an adult…ask them questions about work and what it was like raising my parents. They never got to meet Maverick, or any of their great-grandchildren for that matter.

But all of that changed when I married Josh and was given some of the best grandparents in the world! It was like I had a second chance at getting the grandpa I didn’t get the chance to ‘finish’ growing up with. I’m sure you would have gotten along so great with my two grandpas. Because you’re a farmer who loves tractors, in a way I felt like God was giving me a perfect mixture of MY grandpa’s when he gave me you.

One of the first things I remember about Josh back in college was the way he talked about his childhood memories ‘on the farm’ and about how awesome his grandpa Harm was…about how many tractors you had and how once you moved a grain bin on a Tuesday afternoon just because you felt like it. He told me about how hard you worked your whole life and how you had ‘retired’ but you just couldn’t stop working because you love farming so much. I loved you even before I met you because of how much Josh loved you…but getting to spend the past seven years calling you MY grandpa too has been one of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever been given.

The time spent around your kitchen table eating lunch and drinking coffee are some of my most cherished memories. Everything is always so calm and relaxing at your farm. Sneaking up there to visit when it’s just the two (or three!) of us is our favorite because then we get you and grandma all to ourselves. We just get to sit and talk and Josh can ask you all of his farming questions. Our time together is always too short but it’s always so precious to me. The time you told the story about accidentally burning grandma’s brand-new jeans from Fleet Farm still makes me laugh when I think about it. And I love that I got to be there to watch you smile and giggle while you told us the story.

I’m not sure I know many ‘granddaughters-in-law’ who are welcomed into a family like they’ve been there all along…I’ve always felt more like your granddaughter than anything else and I am so thankful for that special love. Your big hugs and kisses on my cheek at the beginning and end of every visit are just the best.

I don’t know if you know this, but when you and Josh take off walking across the farm to go visit the cows I secretly video-tape it with my phone because you walk the exact same way. And it is so funny! You and Josh have the same cute smile and the same ornery face when you are doing something funny that you know will also get you into trouble. The work ethic you share is one of the hardest I’ve ever seen. I am so thankful for the quirky similarities I see in both of you.

The family God gave you to raise has led to such an amazing legacy and I’m thrilled that I get to play a small part in that. I’m so thankful for your 90-years and the way you’ve lived them. You are such a wonderful gift to this family, but I also wanted you to know how much of a special gift you’ve been to me. Thanks for always loving me like your own.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Mollie (and Josh and Mav)