untitled.

This is a post I wrote over a year ago and discovered in my unpublished drafts the other day. I'm not sure why I never posted it...but it's as true now as it was 12 months ago...so here you go.

We three Boersma's can't believe Christmas is over. Which is why we plan to leave the tree up until February, open presents to each other this week, party like animals on NYE, celebrate with extended family and grandparents in January, and keep the Christmas music BLARING for as long as we can.

Christmas is our favorite time of year, for sure. I knew this year would be different with a baby to travel with, but other than a couple semi-sleepless nights (because I CANNOT sleep in the same room as my loud-breathing, farting, lip-smacking child) all went smoothly. So smoothly that Maverick is sleeping through the night in foreign environments (including the basement utility room and walk-in closets) and napping like an Olympic champion as we speak. Woo!

Becoming a parent has made me annoyingly reflective during the holidays. I know...I disguise it well, but my heart is heavy. Maybe this year was just a doozey for tragedies...I don't know. My uncle died from heart surgery complications in May...a Salt Company student died suddenly of an appendix rupture in November...an ISU freshmen was killed in a hit and run the week before Christmas...a Cornerstone family said goodbye to their precious newborn baby girl last week...and a friend from my home church mourns the loss of her fiance and mom killed by a drunk driver every year at this time.

That poor girl's' parents were expecting their baby to be coming home for Christmas after she took her finals and instead they got a call from the Ames Police saying she was hit by a car, the person drove off, and she died in the hospital.

I. Cannot. Even. Imagine.

These stories break my heart and I don't even know the people involved. Instead I hold my Maverick tighter, cuddle him longer, and pray that nothing like this ever happens because I think it would actually kill me. I vow to watch him like a hawk, never allow a skinned knee, a broken arm from a bike ramp, or stitches from the gutter at the swimming pool...

Except I know that's not how it works.

That precious Salt Company student was surrounded by 20 of her friends praying, worshiping, and pleading with God for a miracle during her last night on earth and the next morning she died. Instead of telling the story of a healing miracle...her family ended up planning her funeral.

And though it's hard to understand why it happened, I know that God is still good.

This little Maverick of ours was a gift. He's basically 'on loan' to us and we get to parent him for his time with us but he has always belonged to God. We can shelter him and I can desperately try to keep him from riding in cars with crazy 16-year old boys who want to do donuts in icy parking lots (wait...that's also a description of his father)...but God has a plan for his life that will probably include a few broken bones, split lips, and tears...but it might also include cancer, a tragic car accident, or severe special needs. And if it does, it will insanely hard, but I'll know that God is still good.

The responsibility of raising this little boy is a big one and it's not something we take lightly. I'm thrilled that I get to watch this little human grow and change every day and I get to see it all from my front seat view as a SAHM. It's the heartbreak of the impending unexpected tragedies that I literally can't handle on my own as these stories played out one after another this year...the empathy and pain I felt for the friends, siblings, and especially the parents was heartbreaking. And the shock from it all...more than anyone should have to bear.

...but that's the thing. WE don't have to.

I found myself accidentally crying in the shower last week. To quote The Grinch, my actual first thought when this happened was..."WHAT IS THE DEAL?" This is soooooo NOT me. And I refuse to spend anymore of my precious shower time crying over what-ifs. I have a healthy wonderful baby to raise and enjoy HERE AND NOW. God already knows all the possible what-ifs and he's not worried about it...so why should I be?

Maybe you wouldn't expect this, but I tend to be the more laid-back parent in this family. Josh is always wanting to take Maverick's temperature "just in case" and change his diaper every 10 minutes and check on him all night long and I remind him (as much for me to hear as it is for him)... "God can take better care of our baby than we can." We physically can.not. be awake 24 hours a day watching over Maverick. We can't be in his room all night making sure he's safe while he sleeps. And none of that would be remotely healthy. We care for him to the absolute best of our ability, but when we can't or when we fall short...our heavenly Father will be there to pick up the slack.

A few weeks ago at connection group we talked about how reminding ourselves when life is 'easy' that God is good, His plan is perfect, and memorizing scripture to reiterate those truths is important...because then when hard times come that truth will be locked in brains and our hearts. When it's a struggle to remember how God's plan could be perfect in the midst of such pain, we won't need to rely on our own feelings and emotions, we can fall back on what we already know to be true. I feel like practicing this now when Mav is little (and it's relatively easy) is important.

So a week ago when Maverick was up in the night and I had him all to myself...I prayed over him for the millionth time but this time, I gave him back to Jesus. It was weird, but in my heart I totally gave him over to God...because how else could I possibly handle a tragedy like one of these stories if I don't? I might be able to muscle through tantrums and the daily mom-gind stuff 'on my own' but why? There is absolutely NO other way to take on this parenting gig than with Jesus by our side. It became so clear to me as I heard one sad story after another, stories completely out of anyone's control. This time, my prayer meant more than the words we said at his dedication...more than claiming him to be our 'gift from God' on his baby announcement...he literally belongs to Jesus period. The Father who I so desperately want to occupy his heart someday can love and care for him WAY better than Josh and I could ever hope to.

Every minute we get to be Maverick's parents is an undeserved gift that God could choose to take away at any minute as part of His perfect plan. But whatever happens, I'll know that He is always good.

MmB