Being a mom and making friends...

...is probably the weirdest, most important life-altering season I honestly never expected. In some ways I never thought it would be this hard. In many other ways, I'm shocked by how easy it is. So in an attempt to help my fellow-first-time-mom's out there, I compiled a few things I've learned about making bff's during the past two years I've held the title, 'mom.'

This post came about after listening to the following podcasts, all centered around the same topic of friendship and motherhood and girlfriends:

For the Love
Journey Women
Risen Motherhood

Goodness, friendship looks so much different these days than it did two years, five years, and 10 years ago. The friendships that have stood the test of changing life-seasons are some of my most treasured...but I'm finding I need more than just my two lifelong-best-friends to get me through life. I need girls in the teething trenches with me; girls a few clicks ahead of me in their motherhood journey; and girls who come alongside of me with truth when we're both mad at our husbands. And I need all those wonderful girls to have low expectations when it comes to the daily-grind; zero-judgement when I feed my kiddo Easy Mac; and in all honestly, I'd prefer that we be on the same-side of the vaccinating argument.

So here's what I've come up with:

Saying no to stuff is OK.
I've said it before but I'll come right out and say it again. I'm kind of an "fringe-member" of a fantastic group of mom's in our church, called 'Titus 2 Women.' We have shirts so we're obviously really legit. In many ways these girls are excellent examples of what Godly wives and moms should be...but if I'm not careful I can get a little caught up in all the STUFF they're doing. Even if that stuff doesn't line up with the priorities I have for my marriage, household, and family. Days at the lake, mornings at the park, weekly hang-outs in the church gym....we have Bible studies, book clubs, adoption garage sales. All great stuff. An endless flow of activities to cultivate community the way God designed. But that much CONNECTING stresses me out and usually throws off the priorities I like to keep in check at home. It took a loooooong time for me to realize that I didn't HAVE to do all the things they were doing. I didn't NEED these women to be my best friends. In this giant tribe, I've successfully found a few precious mini-tribes (is that even a thing?) to do the daily, dirty-work of life with and that has been the best thing for me in this season, even though it's a bit against the 'norm.'

Keep a few cooks around.
I think it's good to have a couple friends who do things completely differently than you do, but your relationship is close enough that you can still talk about EVERYTHING openly and respectfully. I don't waste time asking about opinions on sibling spacing, how/when/why they spank, why they chose to have six kids, how they handle their budget, or how their marriage changed after 1, 2, 3 kids, etc. It's fascinating and informative and helps me grow as a wife and a mom. One of my friends is doing a home birth, another swears by oils, another is open to having a family as large as God will give her...those are all things that fall into the 'coooooky category' for me but I love it and I love those friends.

New friends are a breath of fresh air.
I came out of college with this notion that I had plenty of friends and I simply didn't need any more besties. Intentional friendship can be a lot of work with everyone working or still in college and moving all over the Midwest for new jobs. It was starting to seem like certain friendships were more work than they were worth. I certainly didn't need to add MORE friendships to that equation, right?! For a time it was easier to be friends with our families because we saw them for holiday's and plenty of other 'family things' so we fell into a season of just hanging out with our parents and siblings all the time. Fast forward another five years...our old friends are still scattered all over the country, even MORE of our friends have gotten married and moved away, and our siblings are all in different life stages/locations, which makes it hard to connect to all those special people in the same way we used to. Enter: new friends! Lately they seem to have come out of nowhere at just the perfect time and I'm so thankful.

Logistics are important.
During this time when babies and toddlers rule our lives due to their basic human needs...on some level, friendship in this season just needs to be EASY. Living in the same town helps. Having the same interests helps. Participating in the same Bible study helps. Having similar approaches to parenting helps. Understanding a Babywise schedule REALLY helps. We meet for a morning activity, and then scatter for nap time. There's absolutely no judgement when hanging out as families in the evening and someone says, 'We need to get home for bedtime.' It's met with, 'Good!" "Go!" and "I'm so glad you could come for a while!" Because nap time and bedtime are SACRED TIMES. Hanging out with mom's who just have one kiddo is honestly usually the easiest, but a couple times a month I try to hit up my favorite mom's with more than one so I can be in the middle of the crazy and Mav can get roughed around a little bit. I try to be as flexible as my priorities allow with these meet-ups and that has come with a little bit of a learning curve as well.

Find a good mix of ages.
I spend quite a bit of time with my mom and Josh's mom. I think that's been a huge piece of my successful adjustment into adulthood...not just motherhood. I don't rely on them daily or for things that I should be able to handle as a grown, married, mom of one. But sometimes when your basement floods you need to call your mom and cry. I know not everyone has the luxury of having two mom-best-friends, so I consider myself pretty lucky in this area. I also love that our connection group and many of the Bible studies I've participated in the past two years have a great mix of ages...from college students all the way up to women in their 50's, 60's, and 70's. I tend to learn a lot more from just sitting quietly under women who are older than me vs. getting off-track talking about molars and frustrating sleep schedules with mom's in my season. I also keep a few fun, single, childless girls around...we go to football games and Wine Bars and Bachelorette parties. They make me feel young and offer surprising wisdom and perspective.

True, authentic friendship is weirdly hard to find when life seasons change. It was annoying for a while but I didn't realize the unexpected blessings that would come from the awkward-new-mom-friendship struggles I've experienced over the past two years. I'm so thankful for the group of girlfriends (old and new!) I'm surrounding myself with these days...they are real, wise, encouraging TREASURES I just love doing life with.

MmB