I don't know another way to put it. I'm actually in a state of mourning over the blissful childless chapter of our lives coming to a dramatic close. OF COURSE we're excited and absolutely ready to meet Maverick in a few short weeks...but at the same time....I can't help but think about how different life is about to be. How we're saying hello to a wonderful blessing, but good-bye to an amazing, special part of life with 'just the two of us' that I know I will miss dearly.
And I'm not afraid to say this thing that everyone else feels terrible about saying. I never really had baby fever...God gave us a baby when He knew we were ready and we knew it was time and that's that. But after chatting with a friend during our weekend at the lake and hearing her say, 'I cried when my first baby was born because I knew it would never be just Scott and I ever again,' I was like...ummm...THAT IS EXACTLY ME. Any day there will be a real live baby in my arms ya ya ya, but I think more than missing my job or my body or my schedule or my silent shopping and Starbucks time...I'll miss my endless years of Josh Boersma time and attention and cuddles. Five years you guys. Five years we've had to just be married and play. I HAVE LOVED IT SO MUCH. And it's about to be over. And I think it's OK to be sad about it.
I haven't done much crying during pregnancy because...why. But the thought of not getting Josh all to myself; for hours (and in the winter, DAYS!) on end; to do anything we want to take off and do; to sleep in on rain days; to go out for fun supper dates on a whim...sort of makes me want to cry. I know we've been spoiled with an amazing five years and some would argue it would be selfish to spend the rest of our marriage childless (though I'll admit it's something we tossed around for a while ;) with life dynamics changing in such a big way after it's been just us for so long...I think it's fair that I have some of these emotions. I would even go so far as to say they aren't all pregnancy-induced.
When Josh says something like, 'Soon there will be a baby to cuddle while we watch this movie!' I find myself thinking, 'Soon there will be a baby crying and we won't be able to watch a movie in peace together for the next 20 years.' And, brace yourself for what happens when I let my mind wander too long..we will probably be in this baby phase for 5-ish years...kid/elementary years for the 5-10 years after that...I want to die when I think about high school...then 20-25 years down the road we might finally be back to being 'just us,' but not really because those darn kids of ours will probably expect to be moved in and out of college, apartments, houses, they might move back home while they have their first job and FOR THE LOVE we just finished rental turnover and it's overwhelming to think about cleaning ANOTHER. BLESSED. THING. EVER. AGAIN. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
Have I mentioned our parents (specifically our moms) ARE ABSOLUTE SAINTS? Because I don't think I can ever do what they do for us. It's exhausting to think about.
So yes babies are sweet adorable blessings...but I've become a bit of a realist in recent months. And the reality that I know is coming is...the next few months are going to be rough. Like...really, really hard. And not just hard because we have a newborn. Hard because we are running a business with employees who are headed back to college and a small-business that tends to explode in the fall just when we think things are slowing down (Which is a blessing! And also...stressful!). But this is what we do and until now...our crazy life was something we tackled together as a childless team with our goals and discussions all about growing a business that can sustain a family comfortably 'someday,' but now 'someday' is here and everything is about to HIT THE FAN.
It hasn't even happened yet and I already miss my endless, precious Josh-time.
I know the hard that's coming...the rigorous baby schedule and crying and sleepless nights and breastfeeding stress and all the disgusting body stuff (trust me...everyone says, "You can never be prepared!" But you've all prepared me very well...perhaps too well). So I'm mourning the last few weeks Josh and I have to be 'just us' and I'm not going to feel one ounce of guilt about it.
Some people like to soak up the baby kicks and spend time day-dreaming about their new little one during the last weeks of pregnancy...but if you need me, I'll be soaking up the Josh cuddles and kisses and undivided attention for the next 16 days.
MmB
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