Opinions on Sibling Spacing

If ONE MORE person asks when we're going to have more babies, I'm going to scream calmly communicate the following:

God will give us our babies whenever He's ready...but we're certainly not in a rush to have ALL THE BABIES as fast as we can.

Maybe it's because (as I mentioned at the end of this post) we are in deep the throes of teething hell...or maybe it's because every other person I talk to these days is asking but I need to know where people are getting the idea that after #1, you automatically become a baby-making machine. I did not sign up for that version of motherhood, you guys.

Disclaimer: There are people who do two under two and three under three and whatever under whatever REALLY WELL. In my experience over the past 17 months, I (pretty firmly) do not believe I am in that group of crazy amazing moms.

If you are feeling the constant pressure to have another and another and another when you're scrolling through Facebook while holding your still-breastfeeding ten-month-old thinking HOLY CRAP I WOULD HAVE A PANIC ATTACK IF WE HAD ANOTHER BABY ON THE WAY RIGHT NOW. Listen in precious mother-of-one...

There is NO RULE that says you HAVE TO have your babies AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Did you know that?!

This 20-minute scenario was all I needed to know adding another baby ASAP was not exactly ideal. No part of me experienced what is referred to as 'Baby Fever.'

The terminology "Sibling Spacing" is all the rage. Having those babies as close together as your body will allow is a whole 'thing' these days. It's fine. But also...it's not for everyone. I'd be lying if I told you Josh and I are 'back to normal' in all areas of our life together after 17 months. Some days it feels like paying a few bills and keeping the baby happy alive is ALL I can handle...and even then, I find out I've forgotten something or messed up an invoice. I'd be lying if I told you this didn't result in conflict. Some days we communicate and serve each other well, many days we don't. Adding parenting to the marriage balance is hard, hard work! Especially when I'm essentially single-parenting nine months of the year...figuring out our groove in the off-season is (oddly) just as challenging as balancing everything on my own during Josh's busy season.

When you're low on sleep (as we have been this past week)...everything IS THAT MUCH HARDER. The communicating is harder and the patience-having is harder and the good-attitude is nearly impossible. Just forget about a cheerful, joyful, loving, serving spirit when the sleep tank is on empty. Even though I only have one kiddo, there are still days when it's all about survival. One can be hard too! Thank goodness every day is a new beginning and a chance to do better. Wanting time to catch your breath between babies is not a bad thing.

The pressure to quickly add another peanut to our little crew is honestly scary to me, even now. Our baby is still a baby and I want to enjoy JUST him for as long as I can. And there is nothing wrong with that! I picture dealing with newborn-i-ness on top of a barely-toddler in the midst of teething, sleep-regressions, and colds and I am not kidding when I say: I can't even. We barely survived this week (and from the looks of Maverick's gums, we're in for a loooong couple of weeks). The good news is, many of you CAN even and you rock it so hard. I sit in complete amazement when I see you moms with so many littles at church early AND looking fabulous. Or on Instagram being adorable. Or hauling your babes through Hobby Lobby without breaking anything. Rock on.

I tend to fall into the less popular camp that a healthy three-year age gap sounds lovely. Blissful, actually. I helped a mom-friend paint her basement this summer and she has kiddos who are 6, 9, and 12. They played wonderfully together. She told me when she brought their second home, she looked at her first (who was three) and said, "Alright. You're an adult now." And to an extent, that makes so much sense! Tying shoes. Potty trained (or close). Eating. Buckling seat belts. Being helpful with miniature three-year-old chores. I'm loving the whole idea. But I was like, what?? A fellow 'Cornerstone Mom' didn't have her babies like a literal machine? I didn't even know that was allowed!

So I'm here to tell you it is. It IS allowed.

Note: Jamie's little pointer finger. I can't.

This idea that those babies HAVE to be close together so they're lifelong best friends...is...how do I put this? Not necessarily a guarantee. I'm not buying into that current trend. I don't know if you know me and my sister...but we clocked-in at a solid FOUR-year age gap. People can hardly believe it since we look so much alike (that has become more of a compliment for me, and less of a compliment for Jamie ;) We played well together when we were little. Spent some time 'apart' during our middle school and high school years (by that, I mean we weren't BFF's but our 'time apart' still meant sharing a tiny bedroom and bunk beds until I was 14). And now...I'm not sure there have ever been better sister-best-friends. Seriously.

You guys...age gaps large and small mean nothing. Nothing!

Josh comes from a family with nearly perfect two-year age gaps between all four kiddos. It's what I consider to be a big, crazy family. Brothers are so different than sisters, though. And personalities play a huge role in the friendships and sibling bonds that will form. Which is something no one can know (except God!) when taking this family planning business into consideration. Josh has been closer to different siblings at different times in his life...right now it's tricky with a family this big because life stages are all over the place, jobs are insanely busy, and living farther than 10 minutes away makes it hard to get that daily-life-closeness Jamie and I have. It's not bad, it's just different and takes quite a bit more planning and effort. Boys communicate sooooooo much differently than girls so the 'effort' isn't always there. If I had to guess, I'd say he hasn't texted or talked to his brothers in over a week, maybe more. And they're all totally fine with it.

While we've been discussing this sibling-spacing stuff, I've observed that Jamie and I have been best friends for approximately the past seven years. Basically our entire 'adult' lives. Our life stages have been vastly different, and yet, we still easily connect. Consistently. Josh played well with his siblings who were all close in age growing up (and they have the stories to prove it) but currently, daily texting/talking/hanging out looks much different, despite that closeness in age. Recently, the only time we're ever all together (that's 15 people in our immediate family!) is at Christmas. It's just interesting to observe and discuss. Lately I've talked with other mom's who feel exactly like I do but are being sold this HAVE ALL THE BABIES SUPER FAST idea and I figured someone should speak up and say that's not necessarily the best way for everyone.

I wouldn't say she was my 'built-in-best-friend' growing up...but that almost doesn't matter now that we're adults and can't imagine going longer than 12 hours without talking (I only say 12 because we have to sleep).

I'm throwing the stupid pressure to have our kids as fast as humanly possible...out the window. If that's what you want or how you see your future family...good! Fine! Go you! You're more of a Super Woman than I will ever be. I might be changing diapers for eight years straight, but I'd like to give my body a chance to re-set between pregnancies and a year of breastfeeding (I want to be as healthy as I can be heading in to #2 and I know I'm not there yet!). Josh and I have a little more time to keep finding our new normal (I feel like that's more important that reproducing at a rapid rate!), and maybe even catch a few nights of solid sleep between the teething and sleep regressions. #PLEASEGOD

Ultimately, God will give us our babies whenever He's ready...whether we think we are or not. If we find out I'm pregnant tomorrow, the joke will definitely be on me and my adorable big mouth. And by 'joke' I mean 'baby'...which would be undoubtedly be a blessing. I'm just here to say...there's more than one way to do this motherhood thing. Maybe it's cranking those kiddos out quick. Maybe it's creating a little more space in between. Maybe it's having two, waiting 20 years, and then adopting a couple more when God calls you to. I have no idea! I obviously don't know how our family will look (because I really think it might include a couple African beauties)...just enjoy whatever moment you're in with however many babies you've got. And for the love, stop asking other people when they're going to have more!!! ;)

MmB