A Few Thoughts on: Guilt, Comparison, Busyness

Much like the First Family has an official White House Photographer, I've dubbed Libby Asay our official Boersma Family photographer for the foreseeable future. How is Maverick already six months old?!

I've had a few things occupying my thoughts lately...and they seem to revolve around the topics of feeling guilty...comparison...and busyness. For me, these three things go hand in hand as I go about my days, doing a craft here, snapping a ridiculous picture of Mav and Instagramming it there...trying to stay busy for the 12 hours that Josh is at work with more than just the usual rotation of laundry, bathrooms, dishes, and Maverick needs. It feels like I have to be overly productive and INCREDIBLE at everything. Certainly I should be able to accomplish every. single. thing. all in one day because he's out working like a beast and I just get to stay home and play. I've realized there's some guilt, some comparison with the other awesome mommas on Facebook/blogs/Insta, and a lot of self-induced, unnecessary busyness to try and combat all that guilt and comparison going on in my life right now.

And let me tell ya. I'm overrrrr. it.

In the very first chapter of Jen Hatmaker's latest book, "For The Love, Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards," it took all of five minutes for me to totally relate to EVERYTHING she was writing about. It was impossible for me to pick just one section, so throughout this post I'll include a few of my favorites in italics. The stuff where she just totally gets me.

All of this is just a tiny part of the awesomeness in her book...so if you haven't already, GO BUY IT. Or borrow mine. I have plenty floating around since I gave both my mom's an autographed copy for Christmas and my sister-in-law Hannah ended up getting a copy for Christmas too.


"The trouble is, we have up-close access to women who excel in each individual sphere. With social media and its carefully selected messaging, we see career women killing it, craft moms slaying it, chef moms nailing it, Christian leaders working it. We register their beautiful yards, homemade green chile enchiladas, themed birthday parties, eight-week Bible study series, chore charts, ab routines, "10 Tips for a Happy Marriage," career best practices, volunteer work, and Family Fun Night ideas. We make note of their achievements, cataloging their successes and observing their talents. Then we combine the best of everything we see, every woman we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that.
It is certifiably insane."

Ummm. Yaaaaas.

Every bit of this book resonated with me (and made me laugh until I cried), but specifically this idea that I don't have to be good at everything FOR THE LOVE. Stop the comparison. Stop the self-induced busyness. Stop trying to be THE BEST at everything because that other mom on Facebook home schools her five kids and cooks an organic meal every night (go her!). And LET GO of all the guilt that surrounds it!

I immediately started to realize the difference between the things I'm good at...and things I'm not. Reasonable goals in areas I'd like to improve...and areas that don't deserve my energy. Hobbies I enjoy...and hobbies I don't feel like trying because I have no interest.

We looked at a farmhouse a couple months ago (long story) with a really big, beautiful, fenced backyard courtyard garden area and Josh's mom said, "Oh Mollie, you would have such a big beautiful garden!" And I blatantly said..."No. That is not my skill set." Gardening is not something I care about, enjoy, or have any interest in...so why would I throw my time and energy at it? I've started being honest with myself and everyone around me when it comes topics like these and it's been LIFE GIVING.


"We have lost the ability to declare a job well-done. We measure our performance against an invented standard and come up wanting, and it is destroying our joy. No matter how hard we work or excel in an area or two, it never feels like enough. Our primary defaults are exhaustion and guilt."

Millions of other women must feel exactly like I do, or there wouldn't have been a whole chapter written in a book about it by a bestselling author/famous blogger/Christian speaker. Apparently I'm not alone in this.

Jen explains this idea that there are important things on our balance beam, and stuff that has to fall off in order to give our best to what actually needs to be balanced. Spending quality time with Josh? On the beam. Cooking a homemade meal every night? Off the beam (Josh prefers frozen pizza at least once a week, we usually go out once a week, have leftovers on another night, and the other four nights I actually DO cook). Spending one day a week with either mom of mine? On the beam. Excessive family time/events/commitments/gatherings/a schedule filled with unnecessary nonsense? OFF THE BEAM. Saying no to 'xyz' so I can help Josh stay on top of BLC stuff? On the beam, since...you know...that's sort of the reason I get to stay home in the first place. Sunday nights away from Mav so Josh and I can go to connection group for a couple hours? On the beeeeam!

Could I fill my SAHM days with coffee and play dates or walks around Target or driving all over the countryside to antique shops with my mother-in-law or hours tackling my next unnecessary craft project? Sure. I actually DO do all of these things WITHIN REASON. I usually have one morning with friends per week, one small 'fun' thing without Maverick per week, and one day where I hit up Target or Fareway for our weekly household needs, wander around Gap just to get out of the house (because...WINTER), or grab coffee with Jamie. But some days I sit at home, fold laundry, watch Army Wives, and read a book while Maverick naps. It's a wonderful season of just having one kiddo all to myself and I'm going to enjoy THE HECK out of it, without feeling guilty for not blending my own baby food, getting up at 6am to workout, or finding some pyramid marketing company to 'earn extra money on the side' (seriously if one more person tries to recruit me for this, I. WILL. SCREAM.)

That balance beam has given me such a good mental picture to remember when I have choices during my day. When I need to decide between spending the day at home catching up on cleaning and laundry (which I actually *like* at this early point in my SAHM career) or spending the day "playing" out and about, which results in unnecessary stress from the aforementioned cleaning and laundry that is now left undone...what is the better choice? Being busy just for the sake of being busy (and because I 'can') isn't always the best idea.


"Wise women know what to hold onto and what to release, and how to walk confidently in their choices - no regrets, no apologies, no guilt."

I've discovered there needs to be a balance with my duties at home with Mav, Josh's needs from me as a business owner's wife, and my own needs as a new mom. And it involves saying no to random crap. No to the busyness. No to the guilt. And no to comparing myself to the awesome moms I see on Instagram with their beautiful homes and gardens, clever activities with their toddlers, 30-minute work-out strategies, awesome home businesses (have I mentioned how great our photographer Libby Asay is?!), and intricate meal plans. If I'm jealous of their kitchen, I unfollow them until I get my head out of my butt.

Disclaimer: I am NOT GOOD at that balance yet. I painted a shelf a couple weeks ago and forgot about a couple things Josh needed me to do. Stupid. I went to see my best friend a few days ago (since she's on spring break) and ignored the fact that we needed groceries, so Josh didn't have a stellar lunch the next day. Also stupid. We invited friends over for supper, and then I stressed myself out about sewing new pillow cases so the living room looked perfect before they arrived. Really stupid. I've since made a rule that I'm NOT ALLOWED to take on something that's 100% fun, and then get all 'made up stressed' about it because I DID IT TO MYSELF and also...pretty pillows aren't even necessary! I know I'm dumb sometimes, ok?

It makes so much sense when I write it out, but for some reason, all this balancing stuff is really hard for me...

So I've become a pro at saying no without feeling any guilt or second-guessing my decisions. Sometimes saying no isn't my first choice, but it's what I choose based on Mav's schedule/needs/demeanor or our other plans that day. I attempt to balance our marriage/life/schedule with his and prioritize from there. We are alllllll still getting the hang of this.


"We need to quit trying to be awesome and instead be wise."

That Jen Hatmaker is just a genius, and I'm proclaiming this as my new life goal. For me, it starts by ending the awesome-mom-comparing, stopping the unnecessary busyness, living life guilt-free knowing there's grace that covers every minute of my day when I fail at my made-up SAHM standard of perfection...and I'd encourage whoever read this far (mom's, future mom's, or girls nowhere near becoming mom's!) to start living life as a woman who strives to be more wise than 'awesome' at...scrapbooking/working out/gardening/homeschooling/shopping/organizing/Esty-selling/painting/crafting/school/home-business growing/social life/decorating/cooking/looking fabulous/hosting/blogging/blah/blah/blah.

If you're anything like me, you need the constant reminder that in light of eternity...literally NONE of that stuff matters. HOW INCREDIBLY FREEING IS THAT?

You hereby have mine and Jen's permission to forget about being awesome at all that crap, and instead just be wise. I'll be joining you. :)

MmB