We have the incredible privilege to have been given three babies...one cuddled between us, one in heaven, and one on the way, due Valentine's Day, 2020.
The past year has been spent figuring out that it's okay to grieve what could have been, but rejoice in what is.
To be unbelievably thankful for what we have, but devastated over what we lost.
To long for what seems like everyone else has, only to realize we've been blessed beyond measure.
To carry a precious life for a short season, to then hand it right back to the Lord.
The tension between the two is impossible to master. A painful daily battle, a constant reminder of what could have been. No pregnant tummy in fall family pics...no baby at Christmastime...no baby for Mav's last year at home before he starts preschool in the fall.
A constant cycle of planning, hoping, waiting...followed by letdown, pain and devastation. The hoping and hoping, only to have that sliver of hope dashed in two minutes. Doing the math on how old baby #2 would have been at this point, calculating what the due date of #3 might be if 'it' happens this month...estimating how old Mav might be before he finally gets to be a big brother.
The calendar was my enemy as an entire year slipped by without another baby for us to cuddle...and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
To sit here and say we're thankful for a hard year of 'growing' and 'learning'...and to claim that we're somehow 'happy' we went through what we did because it made us 'stronger'...
...would be a lie. I wish we had a cute one-year-old in our laps instead of in heaven. That's just the truth.
But as a believer my hope isn't in my kids or the perfect family picture I envision on our mantle...the one that's included only one kiddo for much longer than we'd hoped. To trust God at His Word means to trust that He knows what the heck he's doing when it seems mean and unfair.
Because neither of those traits exist in His character. He is love and he is just...he literally can't also be mean and unfair.
I've found that it's okay to feel sad about what we lost, so long as we pair it with the indescribable Joy we know is coming. The joy we feel now that baby #3 is finally on the way is a small picture of this.
The expectant longing we feel for the joy that will come when our Savior returns is the bigger picture, the bigger story God has planned since the beginning. It means taking the long-view when I couldn't see past the next two weeks on the calendar.
It's appropriate that I'm studying Genesis right now, and yesterday specifically Noah and the flood...this is our rainbow after the storm. A sure sign of God's faithfulness to us. The third baby after we sent the second one to heaven. The positive test after 13 negative ones.
A broken hallelujah that He will redeem, restore, and renew it all...in His timing.
Until then, we wait with expectant longing for this sweet baby...and our sweet Savior.
MmB
Meanwhile...this BIG BROTHER couldn't be more excited about his special new 'job.'
